Tracy, this is heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time. I found it resonating, in my own way: I was overweight throughout much of my twenties, for reasons no doctor could figure out. In hindsight, it was probably a gut microbiome issue for me, but while the condition persisted, I felt helpless and trapped — and I frequently spewed hatred at myself inside my own head whenever I looked in the mirror. There was a lot going on there, psychologically, like a history of trauma I hadn’t entirely processed yet, so some of the self-loathing was probably really anger about my body as a site of so much un-asked-for pain.
Still, there was one night when I suddenly snapped out of it: I was criticizing myself in the mirror when the cruelty in my own internal monologue hit me as if for the first time. I was appalled at how I was treating myself; I was saying and thinking things that I wouldn’t say to or think about anybody else.
So I looked my reflection right in the eyes and said out loud: “I’m sorry for hating you.”
That single moment of self-compassion was so powerful that I burst into tears. I’ve always felt like it changed everything; from there, healing became possible.
I feel that way about your story too: the moment when you realize you don’t deserve all the self-flagellation, the moment when you’re truly sorry to yourself for the self-flagellation, an entirely new realm of possibilities for happiness, love, and wellbeing open up within your soul. All of this to say, frankly, I’m excited for you.
Wishing you wellness, joy, and love. (Self-love especially! ;) )