Thanks for writing. Sad to say — and I already said it in the essay — many abusers don’t even realize they’re being abusive. That is, maybe they don’t go into every interaction intending to be hurtful. But even if someone is abusive simply by default (i.e., because they lack the emotional intelligence to realize that they’re being abusive), their abusive behavior still counts as abuse. And it still does damage.

This is part of the reason why it’s so important to raise awareness about the many forms that abuse can take: so that both victims and perpetrators can “wake up” to what’s going on. I provided a helpful link herein from another writer, for those who wonder whether their own rejections qualify as abuse.

On a separate note, you express confusion about why someone would stay after their partner did something abusive. To simplify the explanation, basically, abusive people tend to start off slow and subtle. They don’t begin with outwardly appalling behavior, but rather with subtle comments and gestures that make their victim doubt themselves and blame themselves for any unpleasantry. Then, over time, they just kind of escalate the severity and the depths to which they’re willing to make their partner feel like shit, continuing to offload the blame so that they don’t have to take responsibility for being so toxic. But I don’t need to go further into this explanation; there are plenty of books and resources that explain it. Either way, in the end, the result is that the victim begins to doubt their own judgment so much that they just accept the abuser’s accusations. (e.g., “YOU made me mad because you accepted that gift from your parents.” “YOUR career goals are stupid; don’t you realize you’re childish for wanting to be an [X, Y, or Z]? You need to do what I say because I know better.” “I don’t want to have sex because YOU look old!” — and so on)

If all of that is entirely unfathomable to you and you can’t relate at all, then frankly that might be a good sign; it would imply that you’ve never experienced it, I hope.

Thanks for reading.