Sadly, I can empathize with your fear and your thinking, GB. I had an ex who occasionally sped (stone-cold sober) with me in the passenger seat when he was angry too. And then there was the occasion when we were already broken up but at the same house party together, and he had me hold his keys while he drank; when he decided he wanted to go home and I wouldn't give his keys back (to protect him and anyone else on the roads), he got very physically aggressive, making threats and grappling with me. I was terrified, calling for help, but everyone in the house tried to turn a blind eye, assuming it was just some trifling drama and not wanting to get involved. They finally pried him off me, and while he ran out to the streets to scream that I was a "PUTA!" (simply for the fact that he was bitter that I wouldn't take him back), some of our other friends took me aside to lecture me on how "fucked up" it was that I refused to be affectionate with this man. Post-breakup. Because he "loved" me.

All this to say — everything about how you conceptualized your situation and why you felt like you had no other options is understandable to me. I wonder how many other people around you implicitly sent the message that you should stand by this guy or that you were the cause of his destructive behavior. Because in my world, a lot of people did think like this.

It's sad what abuse does to our psychology. I'm glad you're out.