Nick, wow, thank you for such a thoughtful comment. There are a goldmine of observations and important questions in there. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to be fairly inarticulate here, but I'll try to respond point by point:
- "nurture" — I agree that we're born with all those good qualities. But just like a child who is not nurtured... doesn't turn out well, same thing with our higher virtues; if we neglect them, they also wither. Life throws a lot of shit at us. It takes continued effort to keep re-centering in our better natures. It's a muscle we're born with, but we need to exercise it. [Sorry, that was a bunch of ways of saying the same thing. My brain's not awake enough yet at this hour. ;) ]
- boys are born with these qualities: YES! One of my hopes in writing this was to help guys see that (sane, kind, balanced) women aren't looking for much more than the basics of decency and emotional intelligence. In other words, good connections with good people are achievable.
- boys are made fun of for emotional intelligence: This is also sadly true. One of the ways in which the patriarchy hurts men from the earliest ages. I wish I had advice on how to dismantle the patriarchy, but instead, all I can do is share the perspective with which I try to approach life: "Be the kind of person you want to find." Yes, sometimes having gentleness and integrity seems to make life tougher... but it's also the best way to find peace within ourselves and to identify and weed out the kinds of people we don't want in our worlds. Sadly, this doesn't mean that we will find the kind of people we're looking for (because life is unpredictable, lots of things are out of our control, and there's no guarantee that life will bring us ANY of what we're looking for).... but living those qualities is the only way to be attractive to the kind of people we hope will notice us. In a dark world, the best we can do is be a beacon of light... and then at least there's more light in our little corner.
- why do women lower their standards? — In my experience, the answers are complicated, but I'll wager a couple of things. First, women are socialized to nurture and be patient with basically anyone. So if an asshole happens to find her first, she will simply assume that "accept and embrace" is her role. The other thing is, broken people are very attracted to warmth and kindness.... so warm, kind women with high standards attract a LOT of guys with issues, simply because those women represent a safe place. Problem is, men who are neglecting their own issues tend to create a lot of pain and stress for their partners. When women meet enough of those guys, we begin to fear that that's ALL we'll ever be able to find and that we must "settle." It tends to take a combination of age, wisdom, experience, and therapy to help us undo the damage those men bring to us and realize that, in fact, there are more suitable partners out there and that we can dare to hope for them... and that even if we don't find them, it's better to be alone than dragged down by a man who won't work on his emotional intelligence and health.
Basically anything that I'm saying here (except for maybe the stuff about gender socialization) can apply to any gender configuration, but that's how I see things. Sorry for the list-based format of this reply, but I didn't want to miss your points. Thank you again for your thoughtful comment, Nick. Wishing you wonderful connections with people who appreciate your best self. And if it takes a while to find that, I hope the wait is more than worth your while. :)
