Luckily, my journey didn't make me lose respect for men, but this article made me sad because I am — for a couple of guys — "the one that got away." Not necessarily by MY choosing, but rather because they couldn't get their shit together while I was head over heels for them. Instead, during the (extended) windows of time in which I was keeping my heart open and being patient to give them a chance, they kept ghosting or flaking or otherwise making a point of showing that they didn't give a fuck, only to come back YEARS later — from within SERIOUS relationships (like, cohabiting, marriage, and/or kid on the way) to tell me that they regretted how they acted with me and that their feelings for me at the time were very genuine and very strong. Um... thanks?
Every couple of years, I receive another one of these confessions from a man, and while it helps with my healing process (it tells me, "Oh, maybe I was never inadequate! Maybe I was always a real catch!"), it makes me tremendously sad to have to wonder all over again: "Well... why wasn't I 'enough' for this guy to decide I was worth dealing with himself? What made him find the courage for this woman, or that woman, but not bother for me?" Because here I am at age 37, thinking of freezing eggs simply because I have no idea when it will ever happen for me... which is absurd, for the fact that most of the guys I liked/loved the most... apparently DID (or do) think we could've been great together.... but instead chose someone else.
It's weird. I do think a lot of guys settle. I feel like the only thing that will fix this is a paradigm shift towards encouraging men to be braver about their softer emotions. But as long as the "feminine" is still degraded in society, "soft" emotions will feel scary to a lot of guys. :-/
Anyway, very cool piece, and thank you for it. I recognize your name because I quoted you back in 2019 from a piece you wrote years ago on how to tell the difference between (healthy) rejection and emotional abuse. I had no idea you were on Medium! Good to find you here, and I look forward to reading more. :)
