It’s normal for sex drives to dip over time, yes. But it’s always true that a dip in libido needs to be communicated in a sensitive way. My ex looked at me with disgust not just when I wanted a kiss but also when I changed the trash in a way he disapproved of, or asked him who his soccer team was playing against. He was good at acting disgusted to make me feel belittled, and his disgust was far from limited to sexual scenarios.

Ultimately, even if you’ve lost your attraction to someone, cruelty is never a justifiable response to that. Yelling at a partner for merely looking at you, refusing to give them a simple hug, insulting them when they ask for a birthday kiss, flinching and glaring even at non-sexual touch, shutting down in anger when they ask about your bedroom needs, and chiding them even for their intellectual interest in sex, etc…. are all blatantly abusive ways to treat a partner. Those are shame and intimidation tactics… which are about control. Not about hotness or desire.

The first time he pushed me away in bed was only 3 months into dating — after which he initiated a series of increasingly serious relationship milestones. People don’t pursue increasingly higher levels of commitment when they’re not even attracted to someone. Then, after the breakup, he demanded physical affection from me. This was also about control — because he said he believed that a kiss would make me love him again. And he confessed post-breakup that he didn’t even know why he’d insulted me for asking to kiss him because he said he didn’t mean the insult at all and it wasn’t true.

All of this implies that something much deeper was going on than simply whether or not he found me hot.

I hope I was able to convey in my story — whatever the reason for a bedroom cool-down — that nobody deserves to be treated with abuse. I appreciate your prompt to reflect, Alex!

Written by

Love, sex, dreams, soul, adventure, healing, feeling. I kinda experience life as magical. Memoir is my jam.

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