Insightful story, Ossiana.

I was a weird case: men neither wanted relationships nor sex. They'd come on strong, I'd indicate (sanely — not in a desperate way) that I was interested back, and then they'd freak themselves out and ghost me before even so much as a single date or hookup together. Then, one by one, years later, they'd come back to say they regretted it, offering explanations involving words like "scared," "confused," and "intimidated." Basically, some of them weren't ready for relationships at the time, but because apparently they were (secretly) smitten with me, they were afraid to so much as hook up casually too — lest spending time with me make them fall even harder. It was absurd, and it did a number on my self-esteem. I spent years questioning myself because of it, only to hear from them later that they'd been crazy about me all along. Yet it also made it harder for me to give the next guys a chance, because I got so used to men coming on hot and heavy and then disappearing that I came to believe that expressions of interest from men mean literally nothing, since so many who express interest get overwhelmed with their own emotions and vanish shortly thereafter.

Now, in my late-30s, I don't even bother with the dating world anymore. I'm deeply affectionate, nurturing, and sexual — I'd love companionship — so it's not that I've sworn off men. I'm lucky they still approach me. If I were really excited about any given guy, I'd be happy to give it a chance. But it's hard to even get excited anymore, given that kind of track record. And I've been forced to love my own company, so as you say, it's difficult to see a reason to give that up for anything less than a spectacular connection. ;)