I'm so sorry that you have had this experience, but you have articulated it beautifully, and it's so important to make other people aware of the fact that these sorts of emotions in the aftermath of a trauma are entirely normal. I, too, convinced myself that I had feelings for a man whom I wasn't aware enough to understand at the time was assaulting me. I, too, felt like a "slut" (I was too young to understand that the word "slut" itself is a problematic term for shaming women), because I was involved in situations against my principles and because the guy had a partner of his own. When I got a little older and got out of the situation, it was difficult to explain to friends why I had allowed it to continue. I tried explaining that, when you feel as if something's been robbed from you, there's this weird idea you get that you can somehow "hang onto" whatever's been stolen (in part) by hanging onto the person who stole it. But I fear that people who haven't been in that position don't understand it at all.

This is why it's so important that more survivors speak out. Thank you for doing the difficult work of sharing your story. I wish you healing.