I definitely agree with you, Bill, that abusers often delusionally see themselves as the "victims" of their own victims. But this kind of delusion is not something that can be fixed with a communication tweak on the victim's part. It's only something that the abuser, by getting themselves into years of therapy, can fix. Sadly, many victims do assume that if only they themselves could figure out a different way to communicate, the abuse would stop — but it wouldn't. Because no victim is ever responsible for the abuse. No victim is truly the cause.

Is abuse solvable? Yes. But the abuser needs to acknowledge that THEY are in the wrong with respect to their abusive behavior — and then commit to doing the work. Unfortunately this is not something that happens very often. :(