G, thank you so much for sharing this. You are 100% on point here. In fact, an early version of this story included the fact that I was afraid to talk about this relationship problem with my friends, for the shame of it, and how my reluctance to share meant that I remained isolated in the pain, without anyone to tell me that it wasn’t about me being repulsive, but rather about him being abusive. However, I also mentioned in the story that some of my friends did realize the relationship was abusive and threw an intervention. An early reader highlighted these two separate aspects of my How It Was Abusive and Who Noticed Abuse, and informed me that this looked inconsistent (which might call into question the essay’s authenticity).

I ended up deleting the part about being ashamed to tell friends, because I knew that it was important for me to keep the passages about other abuse that my friends and family noticed… and I knew that people who had never experienced this kind of abusive pattern would never understand. :(

So, all of this to say, I’m really, really glad that you brought this up! It’s SO important! I’m sorry that it took so long for you to liberate yourself from that relationship, but I hope that your life is filled only with adoring, appreciative partners going forward and that your heart heals completely. ❤︎